Dear Sis,
這幾天莫名的焦慮。想要緊緊抱著你，然後跟你說我還是很喜歡他，但是努力地在忘記。雖然我還是自我矛盾當中。
但現在的生活目標重要更多，我想要好好地做策展、表演活動的工作。
揮之不去的焦慮希望接下來一周會有答覆。
我不知道我是不是懷孕了。
Should I find a way to see him again.
I hope you can give me more strength.
xx
Luv u
Nana.
2014年9月21日 星期日
2014年9月7日 星期日
Letter Thirty Five
Dear Sis
I think it's time to wake up. This is it. I have to be focus. See who love me and explore. Keep explore the world. Do what I love. Find who I love and who love me as a life partner.
Wake up from a very beautiful dream and this is it. This is it.
X
Nana.
I think it's time to wake up. This is it. I have to be focus. See who love me and explore. Keep explore the world. Do what I love. Find who I love and who love me as a life partner.
Wake up from a very beautiful dream and this is it. This is it.
X
Nana.
2014年9月4日 星期四
Letter Thirty Four
Dear sis,
We had really a great time at the end of August for a week. It turned out I stayed with him, like a couple. Sweet, some doubts, anxiety and lots of love.
But on the topic of relationship....we still followed the conventional way..."choosing the one in your life circle, not the one in a far away land." That's what he meant.
He talked about his perspective on life partner...and then he denied it again. saying theory is just temporary as it changes through time...and reality is often opposite from theory.
I was weeping for two days...it was really beautiful to stay with him and his dog. Feeling like we have met long time ago. He sometimes got upset for..perhaps confusion by the status and I got anxious for not assuring myself really wanting to do this.
I try very hard to keep it as a beautiful memory...but somehow at the bottom of my heart I don't want it just be a memory....I want him to be with me to explore the world.
Can you tell me if it's possible? I miss him so much.
xx
Nana.
We had really a great time at the end of August for a week. It turned out I stayed with him, like a couple. Sweet, some doubts, anxiety and lots of love.
But on the topic of relationship....we still followed the conventional way..."choosing the one in your life circle, not the one in a far away land." That's what he meant.
He talked about his perspective on life partner...and then he denied it again. saying theory is just temporary as it changes through time...and reality is often opposite from theory.
I was weeping for two days...it was really beautiful to stay with him and his dog. Feeling like we have met long time ago. He sometimes got upset for..perhaps confusion by the status and I got anxious for not assuring myself really wanting to do this.
I try very hard to keep it as a beautiful memory...but somehow at the bottom of my heart I don't want it just be a memory....I want him to be with me to explore the world.
Can you tell me if it's possible? I miss him so much.
xx
Nana.
2014年8月12日 星期二
Letter Thirty Three
Dear Sis,
Letter Thirty two is for Tung-Yen. A recording to you.
This is here to tell you please wish me luck on him.
他是一個很善良的人
總覺得我們上輩子就認識了
看過他們全家的照片
覺得好像回到家一樣
去年在妳生日左右認識他的
兩個人在城裡閒晃沒說話也不會太尷尬
不知道會不會是我太寂寞或者終於想通共度一生這件事
我真的很想跟他在一起
或者就像我們以前常說的: 喜歡沒有為什麼，就只是喜歡
xx
Nana.
Letter Thirty two is for Tung-Yen. A recording to you.
This is here to tell you please wish me luck on him.
他是一個很善良的人
總覺得我們上輩子就認識了
看過他們全家的照片
覺得好像回到家一樣
去年在妳生日左右認識他的
兩個人在城裡閒晃沒說話也不會太尷尬
不知道會不會是我太寂寞或者終於想通共度一生這件事
我真的很想跟他在一起
或者就像我們以前常說的: 喜歡沒有為什麼，就只是喜歡
xx
Nana.
2014年5月30日 星期五
Letter Thirty One
Sis, I finished. 15,000 word dissertation!
A huge, hilarious mistake happened...Microsoft corrected your name into Much Ho! hahahaha. I know it's your gift, if the great piece is deemed to have a flaw, you helped me to get over it. Thank you so much again and I think you would laugh as well if you were still here.
If it weren't you, I wouldn't have this courage to come here. Central Saint Martins, this once your dream school too. I can't believe I went to an art school for 2 years. Yes, how cool it is! Though I might not be the greatest one in this school, I already feel very honored to be part of it. Revolutionary, Eager for change, Rebel, Outstanding, Unique. Yep, that's part of me and your characteristics!
Loads of Love and let's head for cool cool cool future!
X
Sis.
A huge, hilarious mistake happened...Microsoft corrected your name into Much Ho! hahahaha. I know it's your gift, if the great piece is deemed to have a flaw, you helped me to get over it. Thank you so much again and I think you would laugh as well if you were still here.
If it weren't you, I wouldn't have this courage to come here. Central Saint Martins, this once your dream school too. I can't believe I went to an art school for 2 years. Yes, how cool it is! Though I might not be the greatest one in this school, I already feel very honored to be part of it. Revolutionary, Eager for change, Rebel, Outstanding, Unique. Yep, that's part of me and your characteristics!
Loads of Love and let's head for cool cool cool future!
X
Sis.
2014年3月26日 星期三
Letter Thirty
倩倩，
很久沒有這樣叫妳了，自從你改名之後。今天又來跟你談談心，前陣子心情頗為沮喪，應該覺得就是到了頂點沒救了吧。昨天開始覺得人生最糟也不過是如此了，於是又有種莫名奇妙的大無畏感出現，「大挑戰大魔王你盡管來吧！！！」這樣的愚勇。
先來談談這一年半在倫敦有成長以及欣慰的部分吧，然後再跟你說我狠狠批判自己的部分，以及，再批判完自己之後，我了解自己有完美主義傾向而又有性格懶惰與膽小的部分。
One is critical thinking. I've got to know I have trained this before but in Taiwan, especially while at work, one is the work ethic that I dared not to say something. The other thing is 'efficiency'. Who cares you think that deep? Just deliver what client/boss wants. At the end, I was becoming a robot, processing problems into data and then manufacturing the results.
Great, now I know the benefit of critical thinking is that I keep asking myself, a deep pinning out, WHY? WHY NOT? HOW? and I can know more about my purpose, my ideas and my strategy.
Locals. When globalisation is expanding, the localisation is more important. When the world is too big to control, we, human beings like ants working every day, long for something familiar, a cohesiveness, a tatoo in our blood to represent us. By us, is a group of people who live in a place, a community. It doesn't matter where you are from; what matter is "ARE YOU GOING TO STAY HERE WITH US?"
Job. Work. I started this bid writing, business development, marketing, admin...a sort of mixing every bit work. I get confused too. But I found changing is not always radical...well like you...it can be little by little quietly changing. I might have changed already compared with 2 years ago.
Can't get along very well with majority of European/American white classmates. This pinched me a lot. At first I can't believe myself...It has never happened before! When I was in Turkey, things were very good with me. Then, why, now, I seemed not melting well with other white classmates!? I was thinking maybe the age? Or because I was in the wrong school? I don't know. My observation is most of time white classmates they gathered and Asians were in another group....Sigh....This frustrates me and sometimes I thought maybe it's a hint that I don't fit here?! Sometimes really sad that I felt I was being ignored. All I can think now is doing my work, my career, my BF (searching), don't let this thing bother me. Or I get very depressed.
The last is thanks a ton to Roger and Ian. They are very good to me that keeping my energy to survive here physically and mentally. Much gratitude.
Sorry I switched to English...don't know why but suddenly I felt it's easier for me to express my feelings. Dear sis, I wanna thank you again that you gave me most beautiful sisterhood in life and I always remember the trust and love you gave me. You always trust me I will be somewhere and I can do something. I was really at the edge that I didn't believe in myself at all. I thought I could do nothing but back into the life before. BUT NO. I came here for changes and to really realise what I want to do and can do.
I AM ALMOST THERE and PLEASE GIVE ME MORE POWER TO HANG ON.
Loads of Love,
Nana. X.
很久沒有這樣叫妳了，自從你改名之後。今天又來跟你談談心，前陣子心情頗為沮喪，應該覺得就是到了頂點沒救了吧。昨天開始覺得人生最糟也不過是如此了，於是又有種莫名奇妙的大無畏感出現，「大挑戰大魔王你盡管來吧！！！」這樣的愚勇。
先來談談這一年半在倫敦有成長以及欣慰的部分吧，然後再跟你說我狠狠批判自己的部分，以及，再批判完自己之後，我了解自己有完美主義傾向而又有性格懶惰與膽小的部分。
One is critical thinking. I've got to know I have trained this before but in Taiwan, especially while at work, one is the work ethic that I dared not to say something. The other thing is 'efficiency'. Who cares you think that deep? Just deliver what client/boss wants. At the end, I was becoming a robot, processing problems into data and then manufacturing the results.
Great, now I know the benefit of critical thinking is that I keep asking myself, a deep pinning out, WHY? WHY NOT? HOW? and I can know more about my purpose, my ideas and my strategy.
Locals. When globalisation is expanding, the localisation is more important. When the world is too big to control, we, human beings like ants working every day, long for something familiar, a cohesiveness, a tatoo in our blood to represent us. By us, is a group of people who live in a place, a community. It doesn't matter where you are from; what matter is "ARE YOU GOING TO STAY HERE WITH US?"
Job. Work. I started this bid writing, business development, marketing, admin...a sort of mixing every bit work. I get confused too. But I found changing is not always radical...well like you...it can be little by little quietly changing. I might have changed already compared with 2 years ago.
Can't get along very well with majority of European/American white classmates. This pinched me a lot. At first I can't believe myself...It has never happened before! When I was in Turkey, things were very good with me. Then, why, now, I seemed not melting well with other white classmates!? I was thinking maybe the age? Or because I was in the wrong school? I don't know. My observation is most of time white classmates they gathered and Asians were in another group....Sigh....This frustrates me and sometimes I thought maybe it's a hint that I don't fit here?! Sometimes really sad that I felt I was being ignored. All I can think now is doing my work, my career, my BF (searching), don't let this thing bother me. Or I get very depressed.
The last is thanks a ton to Roger and Ian. They are very good to me that keeping my energy to survive here physically and mentally. Much gratitude.
Sorry I switched to English...don't know why but suddenly I felt it's easier for me to express my feelings. Dear sis, I wanna thank you again that you gave me most beautiful sisterhood in life and I always remember the trust and love you gave me. You always trust me I will be somewhere and I can do something. I was really at the edge that I didn't believe in myself at all. I thought I could do nothing but back into the life before. BUT NO. I came here for changes and to really realise what I want to do and can do.
I AM ALMOST THERE and PLEASE GIVE ME MORE POWER TO HANG ON.
Loads of Love,
Nana. X.
2014年2月8日 星期六
Letter Twenty Nine
親愛的妹妹，
很久沒有這樣，你說話的語調和樣貌這麼貼近地出現在我腦海裡。跟妳還有妳的朋友們在竹圍吃臭豆腐、義大利麵的樣子，或者你默默不語的載我去車站，抽著菸在電腦前面閒閒地逛網，Kiki三不五時地喵喵叫。
昨天看了電影「東京公園」，原本是為了貪看可愛的三浦春馬，電影前面的節奏還慢得我不斷分心以及快轉。在影片三分之一後，我懂了這部談「凝視、逝去、死亡、深愛」的電影。裡面的人物各有個深愛的人在冥河的另一端，其中酒吧的男同志老闆曾經與女人結婚，他說起亡妻笑笑地談當初怎麼也沒想娶她，但是她總是這麼充滿熱情地對待他、鼓起勇氣問他是否能在一起一輩子，儘管知道他是同志。
「最後其實是我跟她求婚的。那時，就好像腦中的什麼突然斷掉一樣，就覺得這個女人就是我可以在一起一輩子的伴侶......只是上帝也很殘酷地，把曾經祝福過的兩人硬是分開。她走了之後，我常常做夢。夢見她出現在冥河的另一端，於是我想游過去就可以和她在一起了，我拼命地游，終於游到對岸了，卻不見她。轉頭一看，她在我剛剛游過來的岸上。」
人生最大的無奈就是這樣了。他的夢就類似我在妳剛走不久的兩年，類似的夢。我總是在夢裡跟你玩得很開心，但你總是看起來淡淡地憂傷，然後突然間我發現妳其實走了，妳不語地看著我，我在夢裡再度明白，我怎樣想盡辦法都無法挽救你的事實。剛開始每次夢完之後都會哭，或著抱著Kiki一陣子。
「這一路都是這樣一個人走過來的，今後也是。我什麼都沒有，只有你。」這是裡面男友過世的女生告訴一起長大的玩伴春馬。那暗夜黎明夢醒時，我都是抱著kiki這麼說的。希望新的這一年，我可以把Kiki接過來倫敦，然後在這裡跟人生的伴侶走下去。
不管你是否還在另一端或已經在世界的某一處重生，像如萍老師說的，妳們一定又會在學校遇到，在她有生之年再當一次她的學生。
抱。
永遠愛你的姐接
很久沒有這樣，你說話的語調和樣貌這麼貼近地出現在我腦海裡。跟妳還有妳的朋友們在竹圍吃臭豆腐、義大利麵的樣子，或者你默默不語的載我去車站，抽著菸在電腦前面閒閒地逛網，Kiki三不五時地喵喵叫。
昨天看了電影「東京公園」，原本是為了貪看可愛的三浦春馬，電影前面的節奏還慢得我不斷分心以及快轉。在影片三分之一後，我懂了這部談「凝視、逝去、死亡、深愛」的電影。裡面的人物各有個深愛的人在冥河的另一端，其中酒吧的男同志老闆曾經與女人結婚，他說起亡妻笑笑地談當初怎麼也沒想娶她，但是她總是這麼充滿熱情地對待他、鼓起勇氣問他是否能在一起一輩子，儘管知道他是同志。
「最後其實是我跟她求婚的。那時，就好像腦中的什麼突然斷掉一樣，就覺得這個女人就是我可以在一起一輩子的伴侶......只是上帝也很殘酷地，把曾經祝福過的兩人硬是分開。她走了之後，我常常做夢。夢見她出現在冥河的另一端，於是我想游過去就可以和她在一起了，我拼命地游，終於游到對岸了，卻不見她。轉頭一看，她在我剛剛游過來的岸上。」
人生最大的無奈就是這樣了。他的夢就類似我在妳剛走不久的兩年，類似的夢。我總是在夢裡跟你玩得很開心，但你總是看起來淡淡地憂傷，然後突然間我發現妳其實走了，妳不語地看著我，我在夢裡再度明白，我怎樣想盡辦法都無法挽救你的事實。剛開始每次夢完之後都會哭，或著抱著Kiki一陣子。
「這一路都是這樣一個人走過來的，今後也是。我什麼都沒有，只有你。」這是裡面男友過世的女生告訴一起長大的玩伴春馬。那暗夜黎明夢醒時，我都是抱著kiki這麼說的。希望新的這一年，我可以把Kiki接過來倫敦，然後在這裡跟人生的伴侶走下去。
不管你是否還在另一端或已經在世界的某一處重生，像如萍老師說的，妳們一定又會在學校遇到，在她有生之年再當一次她的學生。
抱。
永遠愛你的姐接
2014年1月3日 星期五
Letter Twenty Eight
Dear sis,
It's the fifth year you are away. Time flies.
These two days after coming back from Paris I have this sweet and peace feelings. Feel like I love London more; I know more what I am going to do and whom might be my life partner. Really good. Feel like settling down in this city finally in the mental status; though there still might be change in this year.
Let's talk some cliche as if we would definitely do it in a pasta restaurant when having a bottle of wine.
2014 New Year Resolution.
Be healthy and fit (I was eating too much in Dec. and lack of exercise for sure!)
Finish dissertation and get the MA degree in CSM!
Event, I am going to be a producer for sure. culture/lifestyle/east-west. Spreading the happiness and love.
Life partner, A calm personality, full of love and life. Passion to explore his career and the world. Sense of humor and will be even better if we live in the same city.
Stay in London and can be economically support Mom & Dad, paying back the student loans.
Get back Kiki. It'd be really great if my future partner, kiki and I can all be together.
In a word, I have the feeling to settle down. A life-time job. A life partner (=a husband, haha). A place to settle down with beloved ones.
Feel good.
Sis,
X
It's the fifth year you are away. Time flies.
These two days after coming back from Paris I have this sweet and peace feelings. Feel like I love London more; I know more what I am going to do and whom might be my life partner. Really good. Feel like settling down in this city finally in the mental status; though there still might be change in this year.
Let's talk some cliche as if we would definitely do it in a pasta restaurant when having a bottle of wine.
2014 New Year Resolution.
Be healthy and fit (I was eating too much in Dec. and lack of exercise for sure!)
Finish dissertation and get the MA degree in CSM!
Event, I am going to be a producer for sure. culture/lifestyle/east-west. Spreading the happiness and love.
Life partner, A calm personality, full of love and life. Passion to explore his career and the world. Sense of humor and will be even better if we live in the same city.
Stay in London and can be economically support Mom & Dad, paying back the student loans.
Get back Kiki. It'd be really great if my future partner, kiki and I can all be together.
In a word, I have the feeling to settle down. A life-time job. A life partner (=a husband, haha). A place to settle down with beloved ones.
Feel good.
Sis,
X
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