Letter Twenty Seven

Dear Sis, 

We can be dancing on the fringe of the forest with the early sunset in the crispy winter air. 
We can be watching the tiny feather dropping from the sky and we will reach our hands, holding the surprise from God. 
We can be singing with the romantic guitar music with bottles of wine, celebrating the marvel moment of life. 

We, only by doing good to ourselves, can enjoy the beauty of life. 


However, those cheerful moments hidden in the gasps of breath, the shinning lights walking through the fingers and the eyes of wonder through the height of shoulders are the moments we feel someone doing good to us. 

We can have it. We had it. We have nothing. We begin another start. Circle. 


XX.
Sis.

Letter Twenty Six

Sis, someone seems saying he likes me. I don't know. Should I give a try?

He said: I need to move on as you were super frustrated with your Venice experience (I told him about the sweet meeting).

Is it obvious or not...I don't know.


Sis
X

Letter Twenty Five

Dear Sis,

The trip in Italy is too great. I still have some hang over now. Can't believe I am back in London for work, for degree.

I met a guy with a cute dog on the train from Bergamo to Venice. It was like the scene in that movie, Before Sunset. Only this guy looks really like a homeless or street guitar player. Thin, Talk with small voice, Very kind. He held his dog sleeping on the train in order not to bother other passengers.

I was suspicious at first, wondering if he were a homeless ;p. Turned out he is not, of course. He traveled by bike to Romania from Venice, rescuing the poor dog (now is a happy dog) Illapa in a shelter. He did exchange program in Sevilla and Romania. Study law and about to become a lawyer. And will go to Sevilla again for Latin america history study.

I didn't put too much attentions on him though we changed phone numbers after saying goodbye at Venice train station; only thinking to meet before I leave....I was wrong...I should have met him earlier. He is never the type I fall for-- as I said, he is not talkative, too thin and not even good looking, in a sum, not charming to me. But his good sense to arts drew my attentions and he took me wondering around the city, discovering more Biennale exhibitions...I like the installations he likes and can't be more liking his lovely dog...

The half day before I headed for airport was too perfect. He wanted to drive me to the airport so we went to his house to take car keys. He seems from a nice family, a huge flat in the center of Venice with a cute garden. Family photos are nice too. And from pictures, he seems to be those nice and gentle boys that girls usually fall for after spending some time with him.

The drama happened in his living room. He took his classic guitar, and asked me gently, "so what songs do you want to listen?" Gosh!!! I was so surprised!!! I said, Flamenco..And HE PLAYED A VERY TENDER FLAMENCO SONG TO ME.....

I was too moved that didn't know how to react after he finished the song...I said something like "very beautiful and so touched.."DAMN. SHOULD HAVE KISSED HIM AT THE MOMENT..What the hell was I hesitating? We didn't even kiss goodbye at the airport...only exchange Facebook and that's it.

This is the song for him. The sweetest encounter ever. Because of him, I seriously thinking where I shall live with my life partner in the future. And I will never forget his cute and a bit shy smile, saying "You look more like a cat to me."

X
Sis, starting to know the spiritual love and happiness is so wonderful.

Letter Twenty Four

親愛的妹妹，

信心要從何而來呢？最近想到以前你曾經跟我提過對人的信任感到失望。信任感真是最堅韌卻也最易碎的情感。這兩年來，我一直要求自己不要過於擔心別人、事情以及自己，曾經讀過的書上寫著：擔心有如搖椅，什麼事也成不了。但我發現，對於事情可以用這個方法，對於人...我還在努力的學習與嘗試，不管是友情或愛情。

過去在職場學習最多的就是處理人際關係的細微之處，客戶關係、媒體關係、廠商關係。可是對於自己的人際關係呢？這一周來因為Kiki的事情而被朋友大發雷霆、衝動要去拜訪一個不怎麼熟的朋友..雖然好像很熟，然後感覺對方好像對此事冷淡處理，也許他只是一時興起說說我就當真吧。我發現我非常害怕因為細微的事情而讓對方受傷害，然而事情往往是反其道，越恐懼就越會發生。然後我就開始以"最壞也不過就是變成結果B" 以B案來安慰自己，但打從心底知道那只是安慰，因為其實自己也受傷了。

又或者最害怕的是自己。常常覺得自己很愛對方，但又害怕對方壓力太大或不如自己愛他/她，於是很膽小的只敢表現一點點，然後自己又不滿足對方的回應，又自怪自己只敢表現出一點點讓他/她感受。我在10年前寫過自己的愛有如一人單打的迴力球，聽見自己的無奈回響在偌大的房間，跌坐。

前幾天因為Kiki的事情大哭好久之後，深深體驗到孤獨感不會因為因地而變，需要變的是自己的內在，相信自己與懂得信任對的人，這樣不管處於一個人或兩個人或一個家庭，才會更自在快樂。你說對嗎？

X
姊

Letter Twenty Three

Dear Sis, 

I just found that the name of my blog again, 'A place after drunk'. Last night I went through, or looked at others how they drunk or pretend they are drunk and do something wild. nasty. silly. 

We went to Dalston clubbing after someone claimed he's drunk and want to have fun. And.....I do feel am old because what happened next was not I expected at all last night. Well, we had dinner together, a great feast by my high school classmate, who now is studying in Le Condon Bleu. Lobster Risotto, Sugar-Vinegar fish, Steak, Taiwanese Stew Pork noodles, salads and bottles of wines, chocolate, ice-cream.....Most important of all, that someone was the spark, he's the only male. It just made me wanna laugh that seeing whole room of girls were trying to talk to him. 

So man became different when drunk. or pretend to be drunk. We've been through what I had done long time ago. dirty dance, kisses, hugs, holding hands.........but some feeling different in me. I don't particularly feel excited; is it really because no more freshness for this? Including dirty talk with guys. 

Anyway, last night was fun, seeing myself in the past and realized I am moving on. Including to the married guy I told you the other day. 


xx & Love, 

Nana.

Letter Twenty Two

Dear Sis,

還記得三、四年前，某個好友深陷三角戀的時候，我輕輕地告訴她請想想對方家庭和孩子。

現在，或許是在異國太寂寞了(但，哪個時候不寂寞呢？) 又或許是認識的太快就覺得很欣賞他，所以心中對他有某種情愫，即便知道他超愛妻愛家愛小孩。

現在正在努力消化這種情愫當中，以及想起好友當時必定比我掙扎個千萬倍吧！喜歡上了從來就不容易輕輕脫逃，更何況是正在戀愛當中。戀愛中所有的猜測、衡量、比較，就像是玫瑰花刺，無法緊握。電話中突然停語的片刻、眼神停留的瞬間、鬧彆扭的時候，種種有可能是我自作多情的多想，但是總覺得有些什麼無法說破的感覺在流動。

所以現在我輕輕地告訴我自己：想想他的家庭與孩子。以及，我想要的男人與家庭是怎樣的，儘管愛情總是無法控制太多，但我總能掌握住我自己。希望是。

多希望你在我旁邊，沙發旁邊，坐著聽我說這些。

xx

Nana.

Letter Twenty One

一些驚人的巧合。工作室註冊成立於10月8日。同事以不同人格創作。表演。去看房看到一個疑似妳的房間，房客法國小美女笑著對我說喜歡表演與服裝設計但似乎表演太競爭了。貓咪，整個工作室的男人都養(過)一隻以上的貓咪。附近還有兩隻街貓。一公一母。母的大腹便便，長得很像縮小版的露西。

今天共租工作室的藝術家笑笑地說：「這隻母貓快生了，你問問看朋友有沒有要養小貓咪？」

工作室的凌亂比你之前的公寓有過之無不及。我說要掃地，同事愣了一下說: 地板有髒嗎？


想念，我親愛的妹妹。

Letter Twenty

Dear sis,

I dreamed of you last night, with Kiki, in our room before. Kiki was hiding in the bookshelf, and I couldn't find him. You mentioned he was inside, and I opened the door of bookshelf. He was there. I tried to catch him and hugged him like a kid. Then, you disappeared. 

I feel lost last night and today. 

I almost forgot yesterday was the official 4 years of your leaving. This huge, deep and painful heart-broken memory seems healing somehow, or am I just taking you as an excuse to be melancholy? 

Should meet more people. should sing, should dance, should get married...should NOT be alone. 

We set so many standards to bury ourselves in the darkest. One thing I should always know. There is not SHOULD. Like I thought you should have been the one that accompany me for this life in the family. But it didn't turn out like this. 

I watched a Japanese drama series, Last Cinderella, about a 39-year-old woman falls in love with 24-year-old man. (Haruma is super cute and sexy)!!! And I just realized, I've changed so few in love thing. I always get attracted with a guy, energetic, full of life, and with one outstanding expertise. And I like mixed extremely: either super manly or girly handsome. I like 6 feet tall, 70s kilos, not to fat. And I can find several similar guys like this in my love history. 

32.

Can you imagine, if you are here, you are almost 30? Maybe you won't look like that. Or maybe you are about to marry cuz you always have love things around you. 

Do you think? sigh, whenever I feel like talking to you is the moment that I feel like is empty or lonely. 

my dear baby sister...I am trying really hard on the job hunting here. and love. and dream. 

Please let the wind blow faster to lead me further. Please. 


xx and hugs.

Nana.

Letter Nineteen

So let's do this. Your drawing exhibition, which supposedly happened in 2009 or 2010. 

I will join the competition of Curate award by end of summer. Original idea is to hold the exhibitions in CSM and TNUA with your drawing and 100 tweets (as poems, deep sentences) that tell how those who lost their beloved family/friends for depression heal themselves, or face the truth, or encourage others. 

That's the idea so far. Start it from tomorrow. 


Love you.

Sis. 

Letter Eighteen

This is me now.

Longer period of PMS by aging, or moving into new environment.

I am easily to get angry, upset and depressed.

So several ways to make me happy are sleep, meditation and think about good things happening. 

Good things.

Dear sis, Hope.

Letter Seventeen

"我最親愛的，你過得怎麼樣？"

我有點憂鬱，或許是天氣或許是金錢或許是健康種種。以前跨年都會告訴自己怎麼樣都得獨自活下去，探索世界。但今年真的不想了一個人了。我想要一個家，不管在哪裡。

剛剛點了掉了與聽海送你，新年快樂，Happy 2013


Love, sis.