Letter Thirty

倩倩，

很久沒有這樣叫妳了，自從你改名之後。今天又來跟你談談心，前陣子心情頗為沮喪，應該覺得就是到了頂點沒救了吧。昨天開始覺得人生最糟也不過是如此了，於是又有種莫名奇妙的大無畏感出現，「大挑戰大魔王你盡管來吧！！！」這樣的愚勇。

先來談談這一年半在倫敦有成長以及欣慰的部分吧，然後再跟你說我狠狠批判自己的部分，以及，再批判完自己之後，我了解自己有完美主義傾向而又有性格懶惰與膽小的部分。

One is critical thinking. I've got to know I have trained this before but in Taiwan, especially while at work, one is the work ethic that I dared not to say something. The other thing is 'efficiency'. Who cares you think that deep? Just deliver what client/boss wants. At the end, I was becoming a robot, processing problems into data and then manufacturing the results. 

Great, now I know the benefit of critical thinking is that I keep asking myself, a deep pinning out, WHY? WHY NOT? HOW? and I can know more about my purpose, my ideas and my strategy. 

Locals. When globalisation is expanding, the localisation is more important. When the world is too big to control, we, human beings like ants working every day, long for something familiar, a cohesiveness, a tatoo in our blood to represent us. By us, is a group of people who live in a place, a community. It doesn't matter where you are from; what matter is "ARE YOU GOING TO STAY HERE WITH US?"

Job. Work. I started this bid writing, business development, marketing, admin...a sort of mixing every bit work. I get confused too. But I found changing is not always radical...well like you...it can be little by little quietly changing. I might have changed already compared with 2 years ago. 

Can't get along very well with majority of European/American white classmates. This pinched me a lot. At first I can't believe myself...It has never happened before! When I was in Turkey, things were very good with me. Then, why, now, I seemed not melting well with other white classmates!? I was thinking maybe the age? Or because I was in the wrong school? I don't know. My observation is most of time white classmates they gathered and Asians were in another group....Sigh....This frustrates me and sometimes I thought maybe it's a hint that I don't fit here?!  Sometimes really sad that I felt I was being ignored. All I can think now is doing my work, my career, my BF (searching), don't let this thing bother me. Or I get very depressed. 

The last is thanks a ton to Roger and Ian. They are very good to me that keeping my energy to survive here physically and mentally. Much gratitude. 

Sorry I switched to English...don't know why but suddenly I felt it's easier for me to express my feelings. Dear sis, I wanna thank you again that you gave me most beautiful sisterhood in life and I always remember the trust and love you gave me. You always trust me I will be somewhere and I can do something. I was really at the edge that I didn't believe in myself at all. I thought I could do nothing but back into the life before. BUT NO. I came here for changes and to really realise what I want to do and can do. 

I AM ALMOST THERE and PLEASE GIVE ME MORE POWER TO HANG ON. 

Loads of Love,

Nana. X.