Letter Twenty

Dear sis,

I dreamed of you last night, with Kiki, in our room before. Kiki was hiding in the bookshelf, and I couldn't find him. You mentioned he was inside, and I opened the door of bookshelf. He was there. I tried to catch him and hugged him like a kid. Then, you disappeared. 

I feel lost last night and today. 

I almost forgot yesterday was the official 4 years of your leaving. This huge, deep and painful heart-broken memory seems healing somehow, or am I just taking you as an excuse to be melancholy? 

Should meet more people. should sing, should dance, should get married...should NOT be alone. 

We set so many standards to bury ourselves in the darkest. One thing I should always know. There is not SHOULD. Like I thought you should have been the one that accompany me for this life in the family. But it didn't turn out like this. 

I watched a Japanese drama series, Last Cinderella, about a 39-year-old woman falls in love with 24-year-old man. (Haruma is super cute and sexy)!!! And I just realized, I've changed so few in love thing. I always get attracted with a guy, energetic, full of life, and with one outstanding expertise. And I like mixed extremely: either super manly or girly handsome. I like 6 feet tall, 70s kilos, not to fat. And I can find several similar guys like this in my love history. 

32.

Can you imagine, if you are here, you are almost 30? Maybe you won't look like that. Or maybe you are about to marry cuz you always have love things around you. 

Do you think? sigh, whenever I feel like talking to you is the moment that I feel like is empty or lonely. 

my dear baby sister...I am trying really hard on the job hunting here. and love. and dream. 

Please let the wind blow faster to lead me further. Please. 


xx and hugs.

Nana.